walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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