We won't sleep together?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
