A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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