when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
