you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
