im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
