bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize