i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
