Define "chronic" masturbator.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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