I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
