Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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