I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
