Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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