last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think i got beer on your cat.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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