I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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