You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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