smell my finger.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
