based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
