TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
