That's when you crack a 10am beer
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
