I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just want nice things and good sex
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize