Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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