i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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