I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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