I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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