We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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