so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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