so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
