It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
