Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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