mondays should just be called national damage control day
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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