I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
