Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
