Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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