I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize