she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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