apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
