Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
