I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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