she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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