I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize