god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
