he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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