Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
