dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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