next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
