that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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