This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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