My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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