her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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