shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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