My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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