I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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