Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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