Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
operation harelip BJ is a go
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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